Lessons From My Nephew

Over the past couple years I have had a few chances to watch my nephew learn to swim. This was a long process that involved many tears. For the longest time he would not stray far from the wall of the pool or allow his parents to let go of him. He needed some safety guard in place to protect him. While we would chuckle and say someday he will get over this, I often wondered if he really would. My nephew’s fear of being let go was so strong there were times I believed his stubbornness would not allow him to overcome this fear. I find myself relating to this situation. Am I so stubborn and afraid to let go of the control I have over my life that I will never let God have full reign? Will I constantly hold on to the side of the pool or only go in ankle deep? Oh I hope not! One of my deepest desires is to recklessly abandon myself to God’s will. Am I confident that God’s plans for me are bigger than anything I could set for myself? Absolutely! Am I confident I will not get in His way? Absolutely not! There is a statement that says “know thyself”. I do know myself and I know that I am a control freak and the moment things start to look iffy I will take back those reigns and try to make everything more comfortable. 

But would I really be comfortable? Probably not. While I spend most of my life hanging out by the side of the pool, I am missing out on everything God has to offer. There is an entire pool of life that God has planned for me to experience and daily I choose to float by the edge. Too scared to let go and fully convinced life is better the way I have planned it. Why? Because letting go might mean floating with my head just above water and that is uncomfortable. Well guess what? Sometimes trusting God means being uncomfortable. There may be times when life does not go how you think it should go. You may not get the job that seems like the perfect fit. Your housing situation may be awful. (AMEN!)  Or maybe you just are not happy. I’m learning that God never said you would be comfortable, in fact He said the opposite. Living God’s will means letting go and living with His end goal in mind. This is going to take work. You will have to practice and you will fail. There will be times where you will flounder with your head just above water and there will be times you flourish.  I really don’t want to miss out on what God has planned for me, so I let go of the side of the pool. It won’t be easy. I will learn to be content when I am uncomfortable, because this is what God has called me to.  Want to join me? 

(For those of you that are concerned, my nephew can now swim by himself!) 

The Perfect Wife

Alright I will admit it…I am a perfectionist. My whole life I have felt that I needed to do everything and I needed to do everything perfectly. I was your 4-point, band member, church going, class president, neat freak. You know the kind of person that has a melt down at the kitchen table when I discovered I received a B on a test. So it is not surprising to hear that I brought this perfectionism into our marriage. Since day one of our marriage I have felt the desire to be the “perfect” wife. I would cook, bake, clean, craft, decorate the home, work, stay in shape, be spontaneous, write a blog and the list goes on and on. I found myself doing everything I could to not offend or cause unhappiness to my husband. What I wanted was not important; the most important thing was making him happy. Now going on three years into our marriage, I am realizing I cannot fulfill my vision of the “perfect” wife. For starters there is not enough time in the day to accomplish all of those activities and to do them well. There is nothing wrong with me if I cannot always be spontaneous or am not consistent on writing a blog. I should not be ashamed if my house is not always clean or we eat left overs some night of the week. My husband will not think any less of me. I will not ruin my husband’s happiness if I speak up and voice my opinion on what I wanted. You see I can be a “perfect” wife, but who I am as a “perfect” wife will and should look a lot different than my friends’ versions of a perfect wife. We each have different interests, skills, passions. When I am living my life in relationship with Christ, doing the things I enjoy, focusing on the things I am good at, speaking my husband’s love language I am being the perfect wife God created me to be. There is not a one size fits all mold for the perfect wife. Don’t let the world tell you otherwise.

Dear Williams 3N

Dear Williams 3N,  

Four years ago I received a list with names of girls I had never met and began to pray over those names. I prayed that God would guide their steps to Olivet and prepare them for this new stage of life they were about to begin. I prayed that God would prepare them to love each other and have lasting friendships that would go beyond the walls of our hallway. I asked God to prepare and strengthen me to be what they needed me to be. I had no idea where and what they were coming from. I didn’t know what hurt and baggage they were bringing with them and I could only pray that God would give me the wisdom and insight to love them as they needed. Little did I know the impact each of you would have on my life.

Before I knew it each of you were moving onto our floor some of you scared and some of you scared. I remember praying as I met each of you that God would guide our relationship throughout the upcoming year. From those first few days I knew I had my hands full. Each of you brought a unique story and personality to our floor that I will never forget. There was always so much laughter and excitement that first week. I could not believe how well you all clicked!

Over time I began having deeper conversations with each of you and learning more about the hurt and baggage each of you carried. My heart broke and I prayed desperately that God would use me to show each of you how beautiful and loved and priceless you are. But God did not just use me to bring healing in your lives, He used all of you. Weekly, you prayed for each other and encouraged each other. You left “potty” mail encouraging on another and telling them how beautiful they were. I was inspired.

That year ended and I had more memories than I ever thought I would and you were all so lucky to put most of those memories down in a book for me to remember (yes I still have the book). Over the past few years I have watched you all continue to grow together. Those friendships developed freshmen year have not gone away, in fact they have only grown stronger. God truly knew what he was doing when He placed you on that floor.

And now four years later, my girls are graduating from college. All the hard work and prayer has finally paid off and YOU ARE DONE! I could not be more proud of each of you and I am beyond excited to see what God has in store for you. I still pray that God will guide your steps on this new adventure, that he would sustain these friendships created, and remind you on a daily basis that you are beautiful, loved, and priceless. But now I thank God every day for the impact you girls have had on my life. I have never been more encouraged and inspired by your love for God and each other.  My life has been truly blessed by your beautiful smiles, beautiful hearts, and beautiful friendships.

 

Thank you for being a part of my life. You have changed me.

Dear Husband

 As I watched my husband get ready this morning, I was hit with the reality that I am so grateful for this man!  Unfortunately, I often forget to express my gratefulness. So my goal of the week is to let my husband know just how thankful I am for him. I encourage you to do the same.

To my sweet husband,

I know I do not say this enough, but thank you.

•     Thank you for loving me every day, even on the days I don’t make it easy.
•   Thank you for choosing me above any other woman in the world.
•   Thank you for thinking my nerdy high school self was attractive and pursuing a relationship with me.
•   Thank you for being my constant support and encouragement.
•   Thank you for putting up with my mood swings (which I know don’t happen that often!).
•      Thank you for loving God and continuing to pursue a relationship with him.
•    Thank you for allowing me to talk non-stop for 30 minutes the moment you walk in the door.
•       Thank you for appreciating my perfectionism.
•       Thank you for allowing me to act on my shopping addiction and thank you for not allowing me to act on my shopping addiction.
•      Thank you for loving my family.
•      Thank you for allowing me to love your family.
•      Thank you for putting up with my constant day dreaming.
•      Thank you for not getting frustrated about my indecisiveness.
•      Thank you for taking the trash out, changing the light bulb, cleaning the grill, doing the dishes, building a table, fixing my bike, fixing my car, putting gas in my car, going grocery shopping with me, helping with dinner, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom and the list goes on and on.
•      Thank you for being a walking furnace when I am freezing.
•      Thank you for believing I am an amazing wife, even when I know I have clearly missed that mark.
•      Thank you for desiring to be a dad.
•      Thank you for being “Uncle Chocolate Milk”.
•      Thank you for driving that beat up car so we can pay off our school loans.
•      Thank you for living in an apartment building filled with college aged girls, who I know annoy you.
•      Thank you for spending 5 hours trying to figure out how to rearrange the living room furniture.
•      Thank you for working.
•      Thank you for coaching and loving on those kids.
•      Thank you for not getting angry when I interrupt you. 
•      Thank you for your patience.
•      Thank you for your desire to make me happy.
•      Thank you for your desire to help others. 
•    Thank you for teaching me to change a flat tire, even though I will never be able to do it myself       because I am a weakling. 

And most of all thank you for being committed to our marriage. 

Story Time

I love the fascination we have as humans with stories. As children we want to be read and told stories over and over again. As adults we watch TV and movies with great anticipation of what is going to happen in this new adventure. So many times I have found myself completely entranced by a TV show I am watching and in need of a serious reminder that what I am watching is not really happening. Getting drawn into the plot of a story is all too easy. Our heart breaks with the character when love is lost, hearts race as the protagonist fights for good, and when everything works out in the end a smile crosses our face. Bottom line is we love stories.

And  yet we are so quick to forget the fact that each of us has our own story. One of my absolute favorite things to do is sit down and listen to a person's story. Where have they been, what have they gone through, where are they going? What has made their heart break and what has brought complete joy into their life? Hearing someone share their past and hopes for their future is more inspiring than any movie I can sit down and watch on a Friday night. This is a real person with a real story about real life. Most of the time they have been hurt by someone or something. I think we can all admit that life is not always our best friend cheering us on to succeed. So when I hear stories of heart break and pain and then I can look into the eyes of the person who has survived, I count myself blessed. The truth is our stories make us into who we are and yet for a society that loves stories so much we are so quick to deny each other the chance to share our own stories. I myself am guilty of judging a person before they have had the chance to tell me their story. I often wonder what our world would be like if before we had any preconceived notions and before we passed judgment we sat down with a cup of coffee and just listened to each others' stories. I believe we would find we have a lot more in common with each other than we realized.

New Year's Challenge

            I admit it I have completely failed at this whole blog thing the past couple months. I would give you some grand excuse as to why, but there really isn’t a great excuse to give. Hopefully I will do better this year and that is not a New Year’s Resolution. Truthfully I am not a huge fan of resolutions, because I hate setting myself up for failure. (Yes you are listening to a true pessimist ha!) But just like everyone else on this planet I have spent the past week or so thinking about what I would like to improve on or do differently in 2013. I have thought about weight loss and being healthy, which I will be doing, but not because I want to be skinnier. This is simply so I can fit into a bridesmaids dress!  You name it I have thought about it, but the one area of my life that continues to jump out at me is that I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better friend, supporter, lover, and confidant to my husband. I want to encourage more and nag less. My husband tells me on a daily basis that I am a great wife and he couldn’t have done any better. The term “I married up” is used regularly around our apartment, but I can’t help thinking that I can serve him better as a wife. There are times I know I have belittled him the moment he walked through the door. Turned him down when he was trying to show me affection, but I was too busy doing something else. Scolded him for not taking the pens out of his dress shirts before they went into the washer. Made him feel guilty once again for something he did while we were in high school! Trust me this list could go on and on, but to sum it all up in one statement I have chosen to not love my husband unconditionally. I can try very hard to show my husband respect, but if I do not love him unconditionally that respect will slowly fade away. Sure I can support Mark as much as I possibly can, but again if my love has conditions how long will this support last? 

           Thinking about the idea of loving a person unconditionally makes my stomach turn. How can I possibly as a human love one person without any conditions? How can I love my husband when I have been working all day and come home to work some more and he sits on the couch without offering once to help me pick up? How can I love my husband when he leaves his dirty socks all over the apartment? Do you want the honest answer… I can’t! It is not possible for me to do this. I am human. I will hold grudges, get angry, feel resentment. It is all part of the human nature and I could take that excuse and run with it. I could use my human nature as an excuse to treat my husband poorly and to lash out on him because he deserves it and I am not perfect. But there is another side to this. If I do want to be a better wife, friend, and supporter to my husband and to love him unconditionally I must first grow dependent on God. I cannot possibly love my husband as he deserves if I do not love Christ as Christ deserves. 1 John 4:19 says “We love because he first loved us”. This verse becomes so true in marriage. Only because Christ first loved us are we even capable of loving our spouse. I can make all kinds of resolutions about not nagging my husband or trying to be more patient with him, but if I am not allowing Christ to influence every aspect of my life I will continue to fail at these goals. So I am not going to work on being a better wife, I am going to work on being a better Christ follower. This year I want to allow God to influence my words, actions, and thoughts. Only then can I be a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, a better Alyson.

In-Laws

We all have them. In fact they are one aspect of your marriage you got whether you wanted them or not. I am talking about in-laws. Some are lucky enough to have great in-laws, while others have been not so lucky. Whether you have perfect in-laws or not so perfect in-laws, the reality is they are your family now. One of the hardest things for a newly married couple to do is find the balance between both sides of the family. Now that you are married you have started your own family with new ways of doing things. While still feeling obligations and responsibilities to your parents, as husband and wife you are learning what your new life is going to look like. This can become increasingly difficult if your families struggle to let go or have different expectations than you both do. The husband and I have been learning a lot of lessons in this area lately. So I thought I would share some of our new insights:

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• You must realize you are on the same team. Whatever comes up, you need to protect each other. Situations may come up where the husband’s family may want the husband to take their side against his wife, or vice versa. Don’t let this happen. Stand firm in your relationship. If you realize your parents may have a point in what they are saying, bring it up later with your spouse, not right in front of your family. Your spouse needs to know that you support them 100%.
•    If one of you is feeling put out by the others' family, talk about it!. Of course do this nicely with an open mind, but holding these frustrations in will just make things worse. Your spouse may not even realize you are feeling this way. How can they help fix the situation, if they have no clue what is going on?

• Make an effort to enjoy the time you spend with your in-laws. Yes I realize it is easier to be around your own family, but your in-laws are very important people as well. They may be completely different than you, but they are your spouse’s family. Let them see you are making an effort at building a relationship with them.

• Don’t expect to change them. Yes their differences are probably irritating and you may not understand why they live the way they do, but it is not your responsibility to change them. The more effort you make to change who they are the more you will get frustrated with them and they will get annoyed with you. Learn to appreciate them for their differences. I mean really you don't want everyone to be just like you, do you?