Hitched at 20

 

     I cannot begin to explain to you the looks and ridicule I got when people found out I was engaged at 19 years old. The general assumption I received from people who did not know me was that I was marrying someone from the military or that I was pregnant. A lot of the congratulations I received seemed forced and not genuine. There was a lack of celebration over our engagement and in some cases it almost seemed like people were mourning my life. Now I am not saying any of this for you to feel sorry for me, because in reality it doesn’t matter. I was going to marry my husband whether or not I had the approval of the general population. But I will say that getting married at a young age is hard enough without getting the feeling that people think you are crazy.

     I chose to get married at 20 for multiple reasons. First let me begin with this. I believe marriage is something that should never be entered into lightly. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that takes a lot of work and extends way past the emotions of feeling in love. Our decision to get married did not have anything to do with feelings of romantic love. I got married young simply because I had met the guy I was committed to for the rest of my life. My husband truly was and is my best friend. I knew him, I knew how he worked and I knew his love of Christ. We both knew that we made each other better. We challenged each other and were daily challenged by God. I knew God could use Mark and I for bigger and better things. Mark and I both knew that the opportunity to get married was not a curse as many see it, but a gift. Marriage created a safe environment for us to be ourselves. Where we knew we could love and be loved in return with no conditions. If you noticed concerns about our jobs or financial success were not a part of this decision. Yes, we made sure we could survive (notice I said survive, not live affluently). Yes, we made a commitment to finish college no matter the circumstances. And yes we made sure each of us had a job (not a career, a job that could pay the bills).

      Now I am not saying everyone should get married young. In fact I believe there are some people who should not get married young. Being married is a huge responsibility and you should only commit to it when you are truly ready. But I do ask one thing. Don’t judge another couple because they have chosen to get married young or because they have chosen to wait until they are a little bit older to get married. There is no set time line for marriage. Just because I was ready to be married at 20, doesn’t mean you are. And just because you are not ready to get married, doesn’t mean the girl who sits in front of you in class isn’t ready either.

Legacy

This morning in church we were challenged with the idea of leaving behind a legacy. How will we be remembered? Will we have had any influence in the lives of others? After the week I have had this question was really timed perfectly. This past week I have read both unChristian and You Lost Me by David Kinnaman.  (I seriously suggest reading these books. Eye-opening to say the least). In these books the author states that there needs to be a serious change in how Christianity is perceived. I found myself wondering what kind of legacy I was leaving behind to those who do not consider themselves Christian. Do they see me as they see all other Christians or am I leaving a different legacy? Will these people remember me differently? I found myself sick to my stomach as I was challenged by these books. I want to have a positive influence on my generation, but how do I do this? How can I show that there is a beautiful side to Christianity that is so often lost in translation?

There are many different conversations that need to take place within this question. There are those that see hypocrisy in the church and then there are those that have been hurt or shunned by the church. Others have stopped seeing the relevancy of Christianity and believe the religion is becoming outdated and old-school. These are just the tip of the iceberg and I can't even begin to touch all of the issues that need to be discussed. I will, however, challenge us as women of God, especially those from my generation. We have the ability to leave a lasting legacy for years to come. Our generation needs to see Christian women who love unconditionally, who are compassionate, and who are one hundred percent real. We need a real Proverbs 31 woman, who is not afraid to invest everything she's got and who's willing to get down and dirty to accomplish her goals. For a generation of women who value strength and independence, we need to be an example that you can be Christian and still be strong and independent. I am ready to leave a legacy of strength and love, are you?

When Prince Charming Became a Nightmare

Alright I will admit it…I am a sucker for sappy chick flicks. Yes I love those predictable, cheesy movies where everything ends happily and just how you expected it. In fact I am watching “The Wedding Planner” as I write this. All of my teenage years I dreamed of a whirlwind romance where the guy would sweep me off my feet and everything would be perfect….until something horribly dramatic causes some conflict and things go awry. But do not worry, the guy will come back fighting for the girl and win her over again. This was my idea of a perfect love story. All of my past relationships I tried to fit into this mold. If something was not going perfectly I would wait around hoping the guy would suddenly realize I was the only one for him. This never did happen and my heart would be broken just one more time.

Now the irony in all of this is I just happened to marry a very unromantic man. HA! But truthfully I am OK with this, because now the idea of Prince Charming and a whirlwind romance have become my nightmare. Let me explain. My previous idea of a perfect relationship would now be horribly exhausting. So much conflict, so much drama, and so not reality. The ups and downs and the emotions involved with these whirlwind romances would be more trouble than they’re worth. Who wants to live in a revolving state of happy, sad, angry, thrilled, etc.? I sure don’t. I will admit occasional moments of romance are much needed, but I do not need or even want a lifetime of nonstop romance. The confusion of not knowing where the relationship is going. NO THANKS! To be perfectly honest I love that I am done searching for Mr. Right (even when Mr. Right is lacking in the romance field). The real thing is so much better than the scripted version. So for all of the other chick flick lovers out there, learn to love the real thing. There is nothing wrong with liking romantic movies, but there is a problem when you start expecting your marriage to be like those movies. Asking your man to be like the guys in these romantic movies is asking  A LOT! Let’s be real. The guys in these movies DO NOT EXIST in real life. They are actors who are really good at repeating lines that were wrote for them. Unless you want to give your husband a script to live by, I suggest we start accepting that our husbands may not be typical prince charmings. But maybe, just maybe they are prince charming in their own ways.

But a Woman That Fears the Lord

I think my favorite verse in Proverbs 31 is verse 30; “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised”. These are wonderful and encouraging words. Now I believe I have mentioned before that “fear” here does not mean to actually be afraid of the Lord. Instead it means to revere or respect. To set God apart as Holy. When I think about people that I respect I realize how much I care about their opinion and insight. I desire to hear their advice. And so it should be with God more than any other person in our lives.

                Yet, how easy is it to listen to other people’s advice and wisdom and ignore God’s voice? How often do we get impatient and give up on hearing God’s answer or solution? If we truly want to fear God this means we must respect His opinion and His answer above all else. To do this we must be patient and wait for His answer, understanding that sometimes His answer is no and sometimes His answer is silence. I think about how much I respect my parents’ advice and opinions. One of my greatest desires is to have them be proud of what I am doing and who I have become. This is the same desire we should have for God. God is the best parent out there. He created us. He knows us and knows our desires. God knows our thoughts and our fears. He has a plan and a future designed specifically for each one of us. His goal is not to harm us, but to help us grow into strong, smart, productive and loving Christ followers. I wonder how many times we are afraid to listen to God’s voice, because we think He is going to throw a wrench in our plans. How many times do we ignore His voice, because His answer doesn’t seem to fit into our idea of what should happen? I don’t know about you, but I want to be a woman who truly fears the Lord, even if His answer is not what I am looking for.  

When My Family Meets Yours

This weekend my husband and I got to travel back to Michigan to spend time with our families. As I spent time with each of our families I began to realize just a little bit more how different my family and his family are. I mean they are COMPLETELY different. Not saying one is better than the other, but just different. This got me thinking about how miraculous it is that Mark and I live together and most of the time we live together in peace. How can two people with totally different backgrounds and upbringings meld together and live in harmony with one another? 

Melding two family styles together has to be one of the hardest aspects of being married. We both come to the table with two separate ways of doing things and now suddenly we have to find a way to concoct a new way of doing life that works for both of us. Have you ever had that moment where your spouse does something and you just look at them like they are the craziest person in the world for doing it that way? This happens to me all the time. When you ask your husband why they did it that way, what is their response? Well my mom always did it this way or my dad always did it this way. The way we were raised has such a huge influence on how we live now. Daily I have to remind myself that Mark was raised differently than I was which means he will think and do things differently than I will. These small issues are not worth fighting over. They can actually be a way to learn more about each other. Who knows maybe your husband’s way of doing something is better than your way. Allow differences in your relationship. It keeps things exciting!

It's Not His Fault

Have you ever had one of those days where you are just cranky?  Well that was me today. A regular old cranky butt and there was nothing anyone could do about it. My poor co-workers, I was probably scowling at them all day long and they had no clue what was going on. Ha! Thinking my attitude would get better when I got home was a big mistake. I would actually say my attitude got worse. Because my husband gets home from work and has to leave within the hour to go coach swimming I found myself rushing to get dinner done in my extremely hot kitchen. I am sure I looked just lovely when he walked into the kitchen. My hair falling all over the place and sweat dripping down my forehead with a big old frown on my face. In his mind I just know he was thinking "Oh No! Run away!". It is pretty obvious when I am in a bad mood and at that point I was in the worst mood I had been all day. As I was making dinner I found myself running through the list of things I wanted to get done tonight, when suddenly it hit me "I was not going to have a chance to workout!" At this point I was so irritated and guess who was getting all the blame for this inconvenience in my life.....my husband. In my mind I was creating an argument against him about how unfair it was that I was not going to be able to workout because I had to come right home and make him dinner (because of course I wasn't going to be eating the meal haha). The hot kitchen, the lack of workout, the large to-do list suddenly became his fault.

Ok is anyone else starting to realize the insanity of this thought process? I hope so! About five minutes after he came home I did to. It was like this huge slap in the face. IT IS NOT HIS FAULT! This is life. My husband has no control over the weather. My to-do list also had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with my own desires. So why was it so easy to blame him?

I think that it is our natural tendency to find the scapegoat in every situation we encounter. Unfortunately when it comes to marriage and home life that person tends to be our spouse or children. I realized today as I was running through my list of reasons it was all my husbands fault that I have to make a conscious effort to stop blaming my husband for things that are completely out of his control.

Let me take this one step further. How often do we blame God for things that are not His fault? Have you ever blamed God for the bad day you had? What about losses in your life? When I think about this I realize I do this quite frequently. I blame God for not giving me guidance on a decision I have to make, but in reality maybe He is answering and I am not listening. At some point we have to quit putting the blame on God and take responsibility for our own actions. How can we fear (I am not talking about terror, but reverence) the Lord if we are constantly putting blame on him?

Two Challenges:

1. Make a conscious effort not to blame your spouse/family when things are not going swell.
2. Learn to take responsibility for your own actions and avoid blaming God when life gets tough. Remember He always has the best in mind for you!